Tuesday, August 2, 2011


      Remember when the "when I grow up" claims started and continued on into young adulthood... When we'd make plans from hopes and dreams but were never able to fully wrap our heads around the full validity of our desires?  I always knew I would get to this point, I didn't however know what a journey it would be, I had no clue the pain and anguish I would have to face before reaching this destination, I didn't know it would mean as much to me as it does now! For a minute there I thought maybe it was just a pipe-dream, I don't know why bad things happen to good people, why I lost babies I have never got those answers (in my own terms) from God but I am constantly reminded "how am I to know Grace and Joy if I have never been broken?" there is this worship song that always used to get me...
Holiness, holiness is what I long for (that's what I long for)
Holiness is what I need
Holiness, holiness is what 
You want for me 

Verse 2
Righteousness, righteousness is what I long for
Righteousness is what I need (thats what I need)
Righteousness, Righteousness is what
You want for me, for me
So, take my heart and mold it

So, take my heart and mold it (So, take my heart and mold it)
Take my mind, transform it (Take my mind, transform it)
Take my will, conform it (Take my will, conform it)
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord (Take my will, conform it)

Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for
Brokenness is what I need (gotta be broken)
Brokenness, brokenness is what 
You want for me, for me
So, take my heart and mold it

So, take my heart and mold it
Take my mind, transform it
Take my will, conform it
To Yours, to Yours, oh, Lord
As a teenager leading my worship team and the youth group I would regularly sob with this song, I said once to my fellow youth "BROKENNESS! We are asking for brokenness! We know what it means but do you really KNOW what it means? When you ask God in a heart of worship for something you better be willing to meet him where you are asking him to take you, it hurts and its hard, but to KNOW brokenness is to truly understand Gods heart when you finally get to the place of renewal" Even as a young adult I knew what brokenness was, much more than many of my friends and most adults in my life but it must have been preparation because it was nothing compared to the last 11 years of my life.  I wish I knew those babies, I wish I could take back things Ive done and said and broken hearted emotions... but now I go "ohhh ok God, I see" I cant explain exactly what it is I see I dont know if I would say I got my answers but in a round about way, Gods way and Gods timing I kind of did. Who I am now I know I wouldn't be had everything been easy, Im not sure I would love my children or my husband as much as I do now, I wouldn't have that deep security I have in God even though I had my moments of fist shaking and angry repertoire in his general direction. 
       So now that my pregnancy is coming to a close I still feel at times like I need to be pinched it is like an out of body experience. I feel special and lucky even though a bazillion people have had babies it feels intimate between me, Mike and Jesus. I take it for granted some days in my miserable state but there is always return.


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