Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My Cup Over-floweth (Part II)

            MY CUP OVER-FLOWETH: Sometimes I get so frustrated with life and people, I just have to sit and think on how lucky I am to be able to partake in this life of mine. I think about my experiences and my near death situations where God strait up has said "NO... I BREATH LIFE" I think about how far Ive come and I am so excited, excited that I know for a fact that God has chosen my husband specifically for me. He made us to accent and compliment each other in such a way that there is no way we were made to do anything other than serve God serving each other. And Ezra he was chosen to be my boy, God planned for me to be so desperate for him that I would be shaped and molded into the caretaker God sees fit for him. Im getting emotional right now as I type this... I have never once felt forsaken by God, ever in my life, I have had my moments of  finding it difficult putting my full trust in him, where I thought I knew better, but then it always came to me, the purposes in my life. Waiting for Ezra has been probably the toughest, dry, hardcore journey I have ever been on, crying from both anguish and relief when the pregnancy tests said that I wasn't pregnant. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I had become pregnant with Ezra weeks before I tested. Then it become real to me before I missed my period and I tested with Nikki on the phone I dropped to my knees begging God to let me keep it or have it be a false positive... I was beside myself blubbering, hyperventilating, speaking in the spirit. I was down right terrified!
          I didn't start to get excited with Ezra for a long time I have sobbed many days feeling guilty about that and scared because I could feel my heart softening and consuming me with the heart of a mother. I feel Gods breath in his every move and I am scared shitless, I have been through so much and I dont dare doubt God, and fighting that flesh urge hurts so bad and so good. Through the news that I have anti phospholipid syndrome and God prevailed, through the recent news of Ezra having Downs Syndrome I have stood firm. In the words of my mother "I dont give a flying rats ass" what this kid has he is first and foremost MINE. I have been waiting for the results of the amniocentesis. Yesterday my doctors assistant who is seriously the sweetest most sincere girl you'd ever meet, called me and she had a disappointment sound in her voice " the results of the amniocentesis..." my heart dropped to the ground, "hasn't come in yet" I was ready to rip her head off! I said "Girl you cant say stuff with that tone when you know its a heavy matter and you are giving news about something that in all actuality in comparison is a "ehh whatever!" I wanna drive over there and throttle you my heart just dropped," she gave me the "whoopsie" type response. Grrrrr! I feel in my heart Ezra is perfectly and wonderfully whole in the name of Jesus, how ever if my intuition is off it may be because I know I will love him the same. There is great comfort in knowing that I was purposed to raise Ezra regardless of how he is because I know whose he is! Im not really scared of delivery or even of being a mommy, I'm scared I wont be a good mommy, I'm scared that I will display broken human qualities to Ezra instead of the dancing with Jesus, sun shining out your butt happy crap 24/7. Though I want my kid to be realistic I can see on the flip side how parents shelter their children as well. My desire to protect him is overwhelming and it has been from the beginning. I feel like a super hero that is learning how to bridle their powers and it takes forever! Im now scared of bullies, drunk drivers, depression in adolescence, sticks, stones, generational curses, sexual predators, McDonalds, I or his father dying, slutty girlfriends... you name it, though I know he will be fine that protector instinct is driving me crazy and I cant turn it off.
           All that aside I am becoming happier and happier as the days get closer to me holding Ezra in my arms, I cant wait to sing to him, and dance with him and stroke his little face and smell him... it's seriously ridiculous! I am also super happy that I am walking tomorrow it feels more real now than it did receiving my diploma last year now I feel like "wow Ezra's mom is a multiple degree holder!" that makes me feel good. I'm excited now more than ever to reach my next graduation, walking in a cap and gown really is a reward for hard work the symbolism is nuts! Im glad my family will be there to see me through it as well, it has meant a lot to me that I have those closest to me there in these moments, you can never get them back!
          Im glad school is over with the exception of my project which I have to finish tonight, I need to clean the house as my family will be here in the morning. But other than that life is Grand I love my husband to bits and I am so grateful that he works as hard as he does for us, I am so proud of him!
    I really need to get to working on that project so I guess I will chit chat later this week!

At a loss for words Vs. My cup over-floweth... (Part Uno)

        AT A LOSS FOR WORDS: You know those friends that do everything for everyone all the time, give the shirt off their back; earn, raise, borrow money they really don't have to meet you when ever, where ever you are; across oceans, nations, or just down the street, that friend will come running if you call, spend their vacation with you, or call in sick to talk on the phone? Yeah those friends that cry with you, love you when you are wrong, and fight tooth and nail for you? Those friends that you can call to not just help you move but they'd definitely help you move a body? Those friends that listen, and run their mouths when there is something you need to hear but refuse? Those friends that would take you in and/or your family to their own home, they sympathize, and laugh their ass of at only your stupid wit because they GET YOU?  Those friends that root for you and show you what true love is and what its like to be your biggest fan? Those friends that are so honest that it hurts and they cry because they never meant to hurt you but had to say it?
      Hmmmm well some of you may not know friends like that because they are rare, few and far between. The point is once you have them you shouldn't  take advantage of them even though most of the time they will shrug it off, or you shouldn't assume things about them you know for a fact is out of character, you shouldn't get them to the fed up point especially if you aren't being honest with them or bringing anything to the table yourself! That behavior makes them want to walk away because they have been abandoned, they want to throw in the towel because they are sick of playing your games and their game and then there are times when you are sitting on the bench or you haven't even shown up for them. That makes them lose faith in you, it makes them lose faith in your friendship, sometimes they are really tired and all they want is understanding instead of a million reasons why your life sucks, and how they cant be there for you this one time, or blah blah blah. Excuses kill friendships... just to point that out!
        I was for sure that rare friend, and Im also for sure FED THE EFF UP with long time friends I've had to give up on, because they are selfish and cant return the simplest of favors like being honest, or how about not making it ALL about themselves, or making it about me in a negative light to make up for the pity party they are going through! It cuts into my life all around, I lose sleep, and I can't concentrate on the simplest of daily tasks because Im busy worrying about people (practically family) that wont help themselves or cant grasp the term relationship. Im so fed up its beyond my grasp. It was pointed out to me by 2 people one who is very very close to me and the other a typically touchy feeble person, that I seem "different in TEXT now that I am pregnant" both assuming that because I don't write my typical text message novels while A: working in the beginning of my pregnancy with a practically total care patient, or B. In school, or C. laid up in my bed and on drugs, in massive pain from the child Ive been waiting my whole life for and desperately trying to sleep! Instead they get the couple word responses or maybe even the one letter word indication to "roger that" in the form of "K".  Or my favorite, when I've mentioned something many times and I am asked again and it typically is during one of the 3 scenarios (A,B,C) I described earlier and I respond with a sharp "remember when I said" or "again..." it is not a slam, in fact for the situation in which I found myself, it was a rather light hearted response and never been mean. But somehow in text it is... because I am hormonal and have been known pre-pregnancy to be bitchy towards random people. This is enough of an assumption to have hurt feeling over and then proceed to hide them instead of asking me right then and there if I am ok or if they misread me! I don't feel it is that difficult.
       It bothers me when I am there for everything in these friends lives through thick and boy do I mean THICK and thin... I include them in everything all the way down to probably 95% of my thought process, My family considers them family, they know we are joined at the hip. There is no need to knock, ask to rummage my fridge, they know where the silverware and cups are kept in a home of mine they have stepped foot in for the first time, they can shower in my home with out asking, log onto my computer, they can borrow money, clothes, they can have make-up and hair care products, they get free anything that I do such as pictures, hair, my homework services, they needn't ask if they are included in any life event, i.e.: weddings, showers, parties, girls night out, graduations.... period! No secrets, nothing is a guess! Yet when it comes time for these things somehow they don't know or felt excluded. These people are only excluded when I make a point to ask that they not come or if they decline. There is no point in making a game of it!
      I have had my whole life 5 main friends,  people I consider family. That number has dwindled down to 3. There is another handful of so called friends I grew up with that Ive started getting rid of as early as the age of 16, I have had to call it quits because they to are too much for me to baby, or please, or exhaust my resources over. The 2 main friends I lost I didn't really call it quits I just kinda gave up, 1 of them has texted and called in and out if my life we are on a "its familiar we were sisters once" type friendship now where I keep her at an arms distance. The other one I kinda miss and all I want is for her to grow up. Id be torn between knocking her teeth down her throat and hugging her if we were to come face to face. My brother is one of the 3 remaining and even he has gone back and forth and is a huge flake but he is my brother! The 3 main friends I have left are my family there is no coming back from that whether they were born in or not. My heart breaks for these people and I get deeply hurt when a series of events take place and I feel like Im left holding the bag. I have plans to possibly bring in another friend but this one is super new and though we are very similar in thinking I cant help but be reticent and I know she feels the same way but I can always trust her to give it to me strait up. It's refreshing because its sincere and Im not left with guilt like I can be with the other 3 so we shall see. I just want the friends I have to wake up because Im not as soft as I used to be I have a lot on my plate, I cant be the only one cheering for your team, and I cant be expected to do it all, all the time like I used too. Im getting high up there in school and lord knows the time I wont have when Ezra arrives I dont want it to be taken like Im ignoring you guys, and I also don't want to be ignored because you may not have something to immediately gain from it. Cant we both just be real in all of this because I hate having to ask other people around, if Im hormonal or if I have a reason to feel a little shafted by you. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for being pregnant and a little off here and there. Seriously either be my friend or dont, I need you all now but I'm sick of pointing it out. When the tables were turned I didn't need a freaking map, flash light, pep rally, or strait up frustration from you to get on it and show up for you! Its ridiculous, I'm sick of tip toeing around feelings, and walking on eggshells especially when out of all of us I'm the one who gets an excuse but still I don't use it... so really now what's yours? I'm irritated still over the friendships I've lost or ended in fact lately its kinda been consuming me. But I'm even more pissed that I have the desire to do more chopping because the emotion has become too much and I need to be able to focus on other more important things instead of the petty BS that may or may not have you in a hissy. Please figure it out because I am officially relinquishing my ability to care about the situation and every thing that happens from here on out is strictly fact finding and will go into my little "weigh my options" folder in my brain... if things clear up I will have no problems with becoming more emotionally involved in these relationships but for now its survival and the drama and plain out rude behavior is not necessity for me. Discussion OVER, I dont want to further talk about it or even elude to it its done and off my chest, if you are one of my top 3 friends and you know you've been a touchy doucher to me lately then fix it or don't please it's your call! But dont call me about it, or text me, or write me... I dont care, lets move on and actually move on, Im too tired to go round and round!
.....So much for being at a loss for words, I guess I'm officially full of it!


Monday, May 16, 2011

Just another Day...

      So this morning I finally wake up to a full nights sleep! Oh it felt so good! After no sleep really for 2 days I was ready and willing! Between the bodyaches and the lack of sleep I was a high priority sleep code!
          THE JOYS OF PREGNANCY: Lately the last 2 weeks I have noticed every morning when I wake up my feet are super crazy sore like Ive been running a marathon in glass and gravel, what is up with that? I know womens feet swell or grow do to the hormones and they are perhaps in shock from the new weight and my changed center of gravity but really now this is crazy feeling! My ab muscles freak out regularly from the stretch and they tighten up around Ezra. The tightening is excrutiating and usually Ezra kicks back as if to protest the squeezing which causes a whole slue of cramp events, I cramp so he kicks so I cramp some more its quite annoying but I laugh usually, partly out of frustration.  This all brings me onto leg muscles I cant stretch with out something pulling or burning or spasming, night time its bad. Ive read about women getting shin splints and charlie horses at night, yeah I hate those and I hope it doesnt get that hard core with me! My body usually aches all over and the cravings continue. Some days I eat and eat and eat and other days Im barely hungry there is no happy medium in pregnancy I guess! The regular cravings for tacos day and night is awesome, and the latest is Sugar bear cereal or Honey smacks (same difference) Ive eaten a whole box in 2 sittings already its quite rediculous!
           THE "EZRA'S WHOLE" PROJECT: We are still waiting on the results of Ezras Amniocentisis. So far just from the precedure I have had mild cramping and fatigue but none of the bad stuff like leaking or bleeding. Which is a huge relief and I'm thinking we are safe from all of that even though the paperwork stipulates with in 7 days.  I cant wait to be able to be more active again after the 7 days and much looking forward to sex!
           SUMMER COUNT DOWN: Today I have plans to finish my Statistics project and study for 2 finals, so far I havent touched any of them (today)! I think 2p is a good time to start on finishing the project it shouldn't take more than an hour to compute the data and write the report on my findings. The Stats final I need to create my cheat sheet and go over some things which I can take about an hour or so on, and then Logic I just need to go over a few things to get the hang of the stupid little questions that teacher throws out there, Luckily with both classes there are guides and notes we use on the tests! My Logic test is tonight @7pm and My stats Test 7:30 am tomorrow. Then I have the house to clean, my hair to perfect and preparation for my graduation ceremony, I have been waiting a year for! This will be my second associates degree, it's AS in Natural Sciences, next Spring I should be at Cal State University of Channel Islands for my BA in psychology and BS in biology/Pre Med that should take me about 2.5 to 3 years depending... now a little longer than my original plan seeing that a baby is part of it and we want a family of 5. So 2 more pregnancies after this! WISH ME LUCK!


Saturday, May 14, 2011

Welcome to my BLOG SPOT!

      So I've been mulling around the idea of starting a Blog for a while now,  I started to Blog a little on myspace several years back and I found it very therapeutic. I no longer use myspace and have been strictly a FaceBook girl. I have written a couple notes here and there my 2 most recent I cut and pasted as my first 2 blogs on this site and tagged them as (recent past), I plan to retrieve my archived myspace blogs as well just to give a better, more well rounded view of who I am, where Im from and how much I've grown!  I always find it fun to compare then to now and sometimes in just doing that one learns so much about themselves. In the days to come when reading anything that is old I will claim so in my title and I will tag it as archived MS or archived FB, so there isn't any confusion perhaps I can find a way to change their color so you would know upon immediate opening that it is clearly different from a normal everyday blog!

    Moving on, a little about My Life. I grew up the daughter of a missions pastor with a stay at home crafty too smart for her own good mother and a younger needy-ish little brother. I was and still am very much am a tomboy, independent and 100% responsible for my choices, so a majority of what people would call my "careless choices" were actually very well thought out, all options weighed and any mishap that may fall upon me I took full responsibility!  I have always been head strong and I do it MY way, on the contrary I am very teachable (depending on whose teaching or what I have to learn) and I am far from selfish I like to call it compassionate to a fault. My fiery passion and insistence deems me a bitch but ehhh such is life! My parents divorced when I was 9, I was immediately over it making light of the situation, not once swayed to guilt or boo hoo's. It just made me think them fools and I vowed to know myself well enough to choose a good mate and not fall into the same trap.  I was a dare devil of sorts and very rebellious growing up not one to conform or go with the flow without testing it.  At 14 I felt God calling me to the ministry, being a girl that wanted to dabble in everything from being a vet to the first professional female football player it was both exciting and a heavy burden. The announcement was made to my church my encounter with God and I was met with a roar of laughter from the congregation... I'm still finding it hard to be worthy enough to be used by God under the microscope.  At 15 my mothers schooling and hard work to be a nurse finally paid off it was something to be proud of for her and I could see myself being just as strong someday but I knew I would possibly surpass my mentor because I had the training of the adult while she was at school, work or studying and I figured it out for myself I don't really blame her for my, in some peoples eyes "abandonment", but it couldn't have happened to a better girl I thrived on doing my own things and learning to be many things at once. I learned to follow God like nobodies business. There have been many down falls, hardships, and joyous occasions I have faced in my life and I have come out of all of them unscathed, grown, purified so to speak & maybe stronger.  I will share in the coming weeks months and years many stories as I cant write an entire autobiography right here right now.

   A touch on life as I know it now. I am going to school to be a Doctor with multiple degrees in Medicine, Psychology and Theology. My experience tells me "The body is not absent from the brain (mind) and visa versa, and to hope and have faith can have a remarkable effect on both as well," its been a long road and it's going to continue to be a long road.  I married my best friend and soul mate 7 years ago, we have been through the ringer... I blame him! Ha ha! We have done a lot of growing up to say the least and even still its just begun. We recently became pregnant after several miscarriages and a near divorce. But here we are enveloped in happiness we never thought possible. The gooey stuff you thought only eccentric writers on acid would bullshit about! Ha ha! We are having a Boy and his name is Ezra Michael Wallick and we are foaming at the mouth with anticipation of his arrival. It has taken a lot to get this child here, 4 months of strict bed rest 2 doctors and specialists to keep me healthy and pregnant, many scares from me having AntiPhospholipid Syndrome to the latest is Ezra has Downs syndrome!  We have tests out the yang, last Thursday I had an Amniocentesis preformed and we are now holding are breath that nothing goes wrong due to that test and we humbly await our results "does Ezra have DS?" Either way we are ready for this little buddy to be in our arms.  God chose us to be his parents for a reason, I cant ask for anything more than that!  All God has to do is ask and I'm all there, Hit the ground running, to know, is to do, is to be...
~Until next time... Mandi

The small things... (FB 5/3/2011)

     So our car stereo hasn't been working for a while, which I'm sure its the wire harness getting pinched again. Anyway I've realized I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God provides and works in huge miraculous ways, I'm not much of a whiner so I don't think of the minuet things to trouble him with, but he knows my needs... When after a month of no music in the car I turn it on and music blares through the speakers a flood of tears began to flow. My soul and heart NEED a melody or a beat to thump too I am lost with out it, I find I am less stressed and do better in life all around when I regularly listen to some tunes, any tune! I find I don't always think to turn some on while alone at home, but when I have moments to think deeply like driving or in the shower that is when is imperative.

    So today God reminded me though I already knew, I actually felt his gesture of love and Grace when I turned my car on, call me dumb but it was a sign I've been patiently waiting for from him! I cried and sang as Ezra thumped along! 

    I got to the parking lot at the hospital so I could fill the rest of my prescription I was almost scared to turn off the car, but I said "it is what it is", I went into the pharmacy to fill the prescription I had fully planned on paying for, when I didn't have to pay I argued the lady that "my insurance didn't cover it" she said "Amanda, it is what it is!" I walked back out to the car with a smile on my face and my music also came back on when I started it!

   So when I tell others God covers the little things, he really does even the micro mini little things! 

   I look forward to dancing and singing with my little man, and showing him Gods intricacies in all that is small and otherwise meaningless to us stupid selfish humans! I am so blessed and my life has been a constant reminder of that as long as I have been living! I'm a lucky girl!

A new perspective... (FB 4/17/2011)

    Had a good night with Mike last night unleashed all the maternity clothes my mom bought me and my aunt gave me in 07' when I had my first hard miscarriage around 12 weeks. In the box went Ezras belongings to keep them safe and in one place till his room is done. Tons of little boy clothes as I folded them I said "I should probably take the tags of these, they are his and he is going to wear them, leaving the Tags on or keeping receipts is sending the message that we believe he won't be wearing them and I don't want any darkness to use that" Mike said "I agree" so one by one I unfolded and took the tags off his cute little outfits. It was very somber, I felt good doing it... I threw a handful of Ezras clothes to Mike and said "get in on this dad" so he did. I look up and his face is filled with emotion as he fought back tears. 

    It was a good emotional moment for the two of us especially Mike, I forget sometimes how much the miscarriages affected him, he was kinda in the dark and the same is somewhat true for all dads during any pregnancy or loss of an unborn child. The mother feels everything and goes through it though we don't know why, it's more real to us because it's a part of us. And the dad, the bystander waiting for news, communication, the desire to take on some of the burden but really somewhat helpless in the matter, he's the 3rd party... One minute things are fine the next the world is upside down. When pregnancy "sticks" he is somewhat in the same boat making him apart of the ride as much as possible can be difficult on him, he doesn't feel everything and think all the things the moms do. When dad does have a lot of the same thoughts it's usually a while after the mother has already thought and felt it, he's behind a little.

    I'm so glad Mike is as pro active as he is to be a willing and able participant in this pregnancy, I'm glad our new Dr. instead of just talking to Mike as a second body in the room, he actually makes Mike apart of any examination. When measuring Ezra brings Mike to the table to feel him through my belly! Mike talks to Ezra, reads to him, we play music for him, Mike does his best to see to all my cravings. 

    The first 2 months Mike was the sympathy pain master he was sweet and understanding and read books on every emotion I was feeling, every physiological change taking place! It wasn't that way the first few weeks but he quickly caught on and has been such a good dad and husband through it all. We have been brought closer often wondering how couples go through all of this stuff together and forget a couple years down the road they stop appreciating each other to the point of divorce, we've made a point to not forget... I hope it works because this is and has been a lot to go through to not remember! 

   In this long trip to becoming and staying pregnant (7.5 years) Mike and I have learned and gone through so much (thats a whole other note) just in this pregnancy alone there have been countless miracles and beyond chance situations that tell us Ezra is here to stay and we are making it out on the other side. A ton of prayers, sleepless nights, and tears have gone into this pregnancy. I can't wait to meet him and I'm ecstatic Mike is all about being the man and daddy God has called him to be!