Tuesday, May 17, 2011

At a loss for words Vs. My cup over-floweth... (Part Uno)

        AT A LOSS FOR WORDS: You know those friends that do everything for everyone all the time, give the shirt off their back; earn, raise, borrow money they really don't have to meet you when ever, where ever you are; across oceans, nations, or just down the street, that friend will come running if you call, spend their vacation with you, or call in sick to talk on the phone? Yeah those friends that cry with you, love you when you are wrong, and fight tooth and nail for you? Those friends that you can call to not just help you move but they'd definitely help you move a body? Those friends that listen, and run their mouths when there is something you need to hear but refuse? Those friends that would take you in and/or your family to their own home, they sympathize, and laugh their ass of at only your stupid wit because they GET YOU?  Those friends that root for you and show you what true love is and what its like to be your biggest fan? Those friends that are so honest that it hurts and they cry because they never meant to hurt you but had to say it?
      Hmmmm well some of you may not know friends like that because they are rare, few and far between. The point is once you have them you shouldn't  take advantage of them even though most of the time they will shrug it off, or you shouldn't assume things about them you know for a fact is out of character, you shouldn't get them to the fed up point especially if you aren't being honest with them or bringing anything to the table yourself! That behavior makes them want to walk away because they have been abandoned, they want to throw in the towel because they are sick of playing your games and their game and then there are times when you are sitting on the bench or you haven't even shown up for them. That makes them lose faith in you, it makes them lose faith in your friendship, sometimes they are really tired and all they want is understanding instead of a million reasons why your life sucks, and how they cant be there for you this one time, or blah blah blah. Excuses kill friendships... just to point that out!
        I was for sure that rare friend, and Im also for sure FED THE EFF UP with long time friends I've had to give up on, because they are selfish and cant return the simplest of favors like being honest, or how about not making it ALL about themselves, or making it about me in a negative light to make up for the pity party they are going through! It cuts into my life all around, I lose sleep, and I can't concentrate on the simplest of daily tasks because Im busy worrying about people (practically family) that wont help themselves or cant grasp the term relationship. Im so fed up its beyond my grasp. It was pointed out to me by 2 people one who is very very close to me and the other a typically touchy feeble person, that I seem "different in TEXT now that I am pregnant" both assuming that because I don't write my typical text message novels while A: working in the beginning of my pregnancy with a practically total care patient, or B. In school, or C. laid up in my bed and on drugs, in massive pain from the child Ive been waiting my whole life for and desperately trying to sleep! Instead they get the couple word responses or maybe even the one letter word indication to "roger that" in the form of "K".  Or my favorite, when I've mentioned something many times and I am asked again and it typically is during one of the 3 scenarios (A,B,C) I described earlier and I respond with a sharp "remember when I said" or "again..." it is not a slam, in fact for the situation in which I found myself, it was a rather light hearted response and never been mean. But somehow in text it is... because I am hormonal and have been known pre-pregnancy to be bitchy towards random people. This is enough of an assumption to have hurt feeling over and then proceed to hide them instead of asking me right then and there if I am ok or if they misread me! I don't feel it is that difficult.
       It bothers me when I am there for everything in these friends lives through thick and boy do I mean THICK and thin... I include them in everything all the way down to probably 95% of my thought process, My family considers them family, they know we are joined at the hip. There is no need to knock, ask to rummage my fridge, they know where the silverware and cups are kept in a home of mine they have stepped foot in for the first time, they can shower in my home with out asking, log onto my computer, they can borrow money, clothes, they can have make-up and hair care products, they get free anything that I do such as pictures, hair, my homework services, they needn't ask if they are included in any life event, i.e.: weddings, showers, parties, girls night out, graduations.... period! No secrets, nothing is a guess! Yet when it comes time for these things somehow they don't know or felt excluded. These people are only excluded when I make a point to ask that they not come or if they decline. There is no point in making a game of it!
      I have had my whole life 5 main friends,  people I consider family. That number has dwindled down to 3. There is another handful of so called friends I grew up with that Ive started getting rid of as early as the age of 16, I have had to call it quits because they to are too much for me to baby, or please, or exhaust my resources over. The 2 main friends I lost I didn't really call it quits I just kinda gave up, 1 of them has texted and called in and out if my life we are on a "its familiar we were sisters once" type friendship now where I keep her at an arms distance. The other one I kinda miss and all I want is for her to grow up. Id be torn between knocking her teeth down her throat and hugging her if we were to come face to face. My brother is one of the 3 remaining and even he has gone back and forth and is a huge flake but he is my brother! The 3 main friends I have left are my family there is no coming back from that whether they were born in or not. My heart breaks for these people and I get deeply hurt when a series of events take place and I feel like Im left holding the bag. I have plans to possibly bring in another friend but this one is super new and though we are very similar in thinking I cant help but be reticent and I know she feels the same way but I can always trust her to give it to me strait up. It's refreshing because its sincere and Im not left with guilt like I can be with the other 3 so we shall see. I just want the friends I have to wake up because Im not as soft as I used to be I have a lot on my plate, I cant be the only one cheering for your team, and I cant be expected to do it all, all the time like I used too. Im getting high up there in school and lord knows the time I wont have when Ezra arrives I dont want it to be taken like Im ignoring you guys, and I also don't want to be ignored because you may not have something to immediately gain from it. Cant we both just be real in all of this because I hate having to ask other people around, if Im hormonal or if I have a reason to feel a little shafted by you. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for being pregnant and a little off here and there. Seriously either be my friend or dont, I need you all now but I'm sick of pointing it out. When the tables were turned I didn't need a freaking map, flash light, pep rally, or strait up frustration from you to get on it and show up for you! Its ridiculous, I'm sick of tip toeing around feelings, and walking on eggshells especially when out of all of us I'm the one who gets an excuse but still I don't use it... so really now what's yours? I'm irritated still over the friendships I've lost or ended in fact lately its kinda been consuming me. But I'm even more pissed that I have the desire to do more chopping because the emotion has become too much and I need to be able to focus on other more important things instead of the petty BS that may or may not have you in a hissy. Please figure it out because I am officially relinquishing my ability to care about the situation and every thing that happens from here on out is strictly fact finding and will go into my little "weigh my options" folder in my brain... if things clear up I will have no problems with becoming more emotionally involved in these relationships but for now its survival and the drama and plain out rude behavior is not necessity for me. Discussion OVER, I dont want to further talk about it or even elude to it its done and off my chest, if you are one of my top 3 friends and you know you've been a touchy doucher to me lately then fix it or don't please it's your call! But dont call me about it, or text me, or write me... I dont care, lets move on and actually move on, Im too tired to go round and round!
.....So much for being at a loss for words, I guess I'm officially full of it!


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