Saturday, July 30, 2011

Crunch Time and Quiet Moments...

     Not very much has changed in the way of cravings, though Im sick of eating I get heart burn on an empty stomach just thinking about putting anything into my body! I have become frump girl and I don't care, the energy it takes to pull my bottoms up and down just to go to the restroom is more than I can bare! I am so ready physically and emotionally for this child to get here!  Yet on the other hand the house looks like a scud missile hit it we have nothing ready for him and once again I really don't care... I have a ton of homework that Im pushing off another day and now contemplating only doing half of it because I am so over school!
32-35 weeks 
32-35 weeks

    Mike and I are Jonesin to be reunited under the sheets and I mean seriously for the soul purpose of sleep we just feel so far away from one another last night was the 2nd night in a row we tried it and I GIVE UP! I am too huge and uncomfortable and Mike has to be up in the mornings to work. I hope we can make it work out when Ez gets here. A new finding... my nails are growing exponentially and I can feel it! I swear my hands are almost completely numb from the wrist down but I feel those nails!
    Today I called Mike to tell him I love him and he said "oh man for some reason I thought you were going to say your water broke!" this guy is ready for a Son! I know the confusion of the actual due date doesn't help but the end of July compared to the middle of September is one early baby, I think he is subconsciously preparing for Go Time, I mean how much bigger can I get how much further down this stinking rabbit hole are we going here?... Anyone?.... God?... Helloooo?! Ha ha I know things are about to get diabolical on my body,  I know for a fact that I haven't seen anything yet, Im not the only woman (girl) who has gone through this so I should suck it up and stop the whimpers!

    I AM SO MISERABLE BUT THEN... those quiet moments I have, just me and my boy! I think about the Blanchards and what they have gone through, I think back to my own emotional roller coaster of events that landed me in the terrified to become pregnant state. Yesterday on my way home from the bank I was thinking about something I always used to say... "I refuse to be a product of my situation, I will not have it, I refuse to give power to darkness, and live my life in such a way that it has defeated me" and then something hit me, "I am however a product of Grace and Mercy". I should show it more often because I know it better of myself than anyone else. Life is funny, I know Im a little hay wire right now with emotions, To Do lists, not enough time, and if I could only sleep... but I know more than anything that I need to quiet myself and wait on God, be there for him. I know deep down everything will get finished in the timing that is perfect, but my frustration that seems to be about everything else is actually a lack of renewal. I am so beyond empty and God has been waiting to fill my cup, to give me that rest and peace, no matter how on top of things I am, how clean the house is, how put together I look, I am empty till I make time for him! His Grace is sufficient for me. About a month ago I was at church and it was made known to me again how important my spiritual emotional stability is for the life and well being of my children. Ill post a picture of it

And so I keep coming back to moments like these when the world is loud but God seems silent, if I quiet my heart I can hear him. Also it seems as though Ezra very much likes Mommy and Me time, and I can hardly wait for him to get here so I can look into his little eyes. I have waited years upon years for those moments and Im so close I can taste it! Just like he needs to grow more and develop a tad more so do I we can both function perfectly if the situation were to arise and he was here in an hour but I have a feeling this last month of physical anguish is going to enter in spiritual enlightenment, and Ezra needs that from me as well so I will be as patient as one can be in these times.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day by Day...

       Day in and day out though I am completely done with this pregnancy business and the only changes are that Ezra is getting bigger and heavier, my hands go numb faster and pretty much stay there, Im more tired, yadda yadda you get it. I have totally different days yesterday and today are 2 completely different beasts even though I feel just as crappy as yesterday! This Blog is going to be quite random since I have so much going on up there in my head and its all equally BS. Ha Ha at least I am honest!

     My cravings have entailed a wide variety of snacks lately, Frozen Lemonade from Hot Dog on a stick, uncrustables, strawberries, grapefruit, and garlic bread! Gotta love it!

          So yesterday mike and I got to walk 3 mikes from the green pin home to the red pin. All because some rude teenager at the Shores Inn 

Yeah remember that picture 1059 Seaward, if you look them up online there are like 5 posts on this place on the first page talking about what a dump it is!
       Anyway this rude teenager who works there had our car towed illegally! Behind this lovely establishment are parking spaces connected to the alley right in front of our house! This summer there are so many tourists and well no one stays there, in fact all our neighbors park there, and there are no signs posted anywhere stating that it isn't ok. After calling the cops, filing a police report they find our car was towed by Double R towing (another award winning establishment that doesn't know their butt from a hole in the ground) I marched myself over to the shores all angsty, pregnant, no bra, pillow hair looking all white trash and haggard and the kid was seconds from breaking down into tears, through his lying teeth. Then Mike 5 min later gets there because I didn't even care to check my appearance before I made like a bat outta hell out our front door. Once Mike was there it was on, this kid was stuttering, stumbling on his words, the whole 9... we were livid to say the least! So then I call their corporate office and they tell me that he shouldn't have towed it at all, then when I call her back to find out when they are paying the towing company so we can get our car back the woman starts to back pedal, as she called the kid at the office and he told her we were notified, several weeks ago... ummm no we weren't and we haven't even had this car that long! I want to know why the neighbors cars weren't towed!? We were the closest to the alley thats probably why and when everyone saw me flip they must have decided not to park there either! Its lame! So anyway I talk to the towing company we are broke till friday, my dad says he will front the money till then, the towing place says that the car is there we need to be there and they will take a credit card over the phone and we can pick our car up and leave. So we take a cab down there which was ridiculous their rates... like half a tank of gas for 3 miles, anywho we get there and we find out our car is at a different location but we need to pay there, so I go to pay and she doesn't accept the credit card unless my dad is there! WTF! I said "you told me" to the girl behind the glass then she says "I never talked to you" I was like "this is your shift right? you do answer the phone right?, I heard your voice on the other line telling me I could use a credit card over the phone" she was like "oh that was me but thats not what I said" she was soooo protected by the hand of God with that glass because this rage I've been having lately honestly almost scares me! So we were down on luck and walked home and decided to make a good day of it anyway,

Mike called his boss for an advance on his check and we got a ride there this morning and picked it up! Im still seething though $215 later!

        Things have been pretty good other than that, I do have homework right now I should be doing and notes for my final tonight to print out! Mike took 2 days off so we had 4 days together of sleeping in, and going to the beach, we made a dent in Ezras room, removing all the crap we didn't need, we also got our washer and dryer out of storage and will be hooking it all up this weekend I am so excited! My last day of school is Monday. Tomorrow I need to see a counselor to relinquish my financial aid for the fall semester. And then I should be good to go! This next week I will be able to clean and work on Ezras room I am very excited about all of this! Mike is really trying to make strides to be helpful some are and some arent but he is trying nonetheless and I am working on not being such a pregnant maniac, I hope we can work on Ez room together.

       Mike has been talking about taking a month off work when Ezra comes and I must admit as I did to him last night the thought of him home hovering 24-7 for a whole month scares me. The man who was questioning my pregnancy like I should be doing more to make things better as if he is a doctor or a nutritionist, the man who pushes me to nest for his benefit and claims he is helping me nest, the man who talks like my sleeping habits are a hindrance to healthy activity, the man who likes his house clean and his dinner ready and his own alone time just so... Im thinking "really? forget that!" I dont need the peanut gallery while Im trying to figure out all the new things I am responsible for while I heal, have barely any sleep, and am still hormonal. I love him but I told him "I will kill you, you need to learn to help and keep your mouth shut" his response "I'll go surfing to get out of your hair" well isnt that sweet! So we agreed on taking it a week at a time. I love that man I really do, I am by no means complaining but between him, this child in me and this mess Im moments from taking a hostage!  He had one good observation, playing with Ez while I sleep, Ill give him that one!

   In other news, the baby shower invites are out and everyone loves them. It feels good that there is some progress on this whole shower ordeal, I feel like the start of that and the end of school this semester I can breath easier. For everyone attending I have a "my registry" which can get confusing so you can also just look up Mandi Wallick under Target or Babies R Us, don't put in a city. The expected due date is September 25th, 2011.  I made sure I picked out plenty of items under $30 and even better $10-$15 range because times are rough out there! Good luck and thank you every one for your support!


Wednesday, July 20, 2011


Yesterday Mike and I had an ultrasound appointment, Ezra has gained almost a half pound in 5 days! He is still measuring a little over 2 weeks ahead, and the tech didn't get the best shots of him this time around which is obviously troubling to Mike he says to Ezra when we got in the car... "I don't know buddy, Im a little worried you are really looking like mom today!" Really? Wow I was under the impression by EVERYONE that I was a cute baby and child, of course the first weeks out are scary but hey when is it not?!  My take is either way I have always felt Ezra looks like both of us though there is a stronger resemblance to Mike, and we were both good looking Kids, at least we turned out to be good looking adults! So I am posting Ezras ultrasounds and pix of Mike and I as kids so the public can decide! Obviously we wont fully know till he is out but as of now let the comparing commence! I would also like to hear some feed back on whether it is a good thing or not as to how I looked as a kid though Im a little fragile right now but the truth is needed! Ha ha!

And our recent ones... the profile, chubby face and one with more bone structure.

Pictures of Mike...

Pictures of me...

So there you have it, baby and kid pix, cast your Votes!


Saturday, July 16, 2011

Not Seeing An Honorable Mention...

    I was just skimming through my posts and I didn't feel it was entirely clear, even though everyone mostly knows now.

    Last Month we got word that Ezra is 100% whole and healthy, in fact according to the amnio specialist "he is actually remarkably healthier than the majority of babies his gestational age"! Praise God and thank you to every one for your prayers and support and all who follow us!


So little time... or is there time?

      Everyone is pushing me to "nest" mainly my husband who might I add has become quite good at keeping those thoughts to himself lately. Recently my Mother has jumped on that band wagon. It very well may be the most annoying, slap you in the face as a knee jerk reaction ever! I am so tired right now, when I muster the time and energy to clean, I cant keep up on it so I have about a week of clean bliss and then it all goes down the tubes! This is all very frustrating to me (VERY), though I am partly responsible for the mess, I cant be entirely responsible for clean up crew, I feel like the guy at the circus walking around behind the elephant holding a heavy bag of poo under his bum! On the flip side I hate listening to Mike clean the house (yes I said listening) as it is a slue of irritated commentary that stresses me out more than the mess! So I resort to being the only one to clean, begging Mike to clean up what he can and to be mindful of what goes where dirty or clean "nicely," and to let me be, I will do it in my own timing! As most of you know I am a huge procrastinator, this feeds the viscous cycle of getting things done in a timely manner even more so. Those of you that know me also know that when I get down to it I don't lag at all and I get huge projects done with such efficiency and fanatical timing that my annoying procrastination streak is a mere "initial downside" fake out! But in the mean time everyone else exacerbates their fear or lack of faith in my ways, it drives me bananas!
        I HATE DISHES... Yet they are always freakin there ALWAYS! This is the First thing on my list of things to do. Second I HATE FOLDING or HANGING UP LAUNDRY... this is also always a problem since it is a felony to walk around naked, I have laundry coming out my ears and when I finally take care of it, I breathe a deep sigh of relief for about a week! Laundry is a huge to do on my list. With the laundry and BS clutter in what is soon to be Ezras room needs to be organized in the closet which is full of more BS to be organized but not till after we take everything out, rip the closet apart and put in a closet maid. I have my washer and dryer in the storage unit which we need to get so Im not lugging months worth of laundry to the launder-o-mat every month, in the place of the washer and dryer in the storage unit goes half the crap in Ezras room... is everyone tracking?.... With the tons of things getting done being contingent upon other things getting done and so the crazy circle continues? Ok so moving on... I have to Paint Ezras room, in fact I have to deep clean and paint the bathroom as well and would love to paint my own bedroom before he comes so I have a place to be that is nice for myself and Mike. I also have to Paint Ezras bookshelf.  Ezras room at least needs to be done and painted Before his baby shower or at least the week of so Im not climbing over Baby nursery crap in my living room to get to other parts of my 600sq ft house for weeks! His baby shower is on the 7th of August, I have school till the 4th of August. LIFE IS CRAZY! Im seriously shaking my head and laughing through tears as I write this! I am UBER stressed out, yet at the same time I know it will all be fine, but those little comments, the freakin peanut gallery (you know who you are) isn't helping me! Seriously people I notice the dirt and finger print smudges on everything, on doors, and floor boards that need to be scrubbed and I know that is the least of my worries but I feel like Im being a bad mother if I don't run myself ragged taking care of it... if this is me "NOT nesting" Im frightened for what will actually take place!
         The things that really STRESS & SCARE me...  in the beginning of this pregnancy I was in shock that I was pregnant and a huge list of eminent haphazard's were live streaming through my mind and pumping through my veins. Through everything we went through God softened me and all the while I was getting tougher and more drawn into his peace. I had hormonal moments of "holy cow" as I watched horrific birthing videos, standing firm on epidurals, hard drugs and short labor. But as I've grown with Ezra my fears have diminished, I guess when you're told you may not have this baby, or he will be developmentally disabled your "oh my gods" become pretty petty in comparison. I have my anxious moments here and there, Ive learned to recognize anxiety for what it is (fear), so I have to ask myself  "what am I fearful of?" I still want an epidural I have the picture perfect delivery in mind but working in the medical field I am aware nothing is planned, not by us anyway. I will do what I have to, to get this child here as safely as possible, if it hurts me, or whatever I will endure because I am first and foremost Ezras rock, I know God is mine and I need to depict that from square one! My stressors are the things I can control but they are influenced by what I cant i.e.: tiredness, aches and pains, school... It stresses me out that I may not be able to have it all done because "who really knows when he is coming".  So obviously not being ready for him housing wise, is a big stress.  The other stress is "what if my water breaks, and I ruin something, especially something expensive, like the couch, carpeting, or my car seat"... I have actually been praying that if my water does break it happens in public! As embarrassing as it might be Id rather have someone else clean up my mess and who better than someone who gets paid to do it, sooo school, target, my porch... any where but my stuff! During my prayers I also have in mind that that maybe a slim chance because Ez is so active at night, but since I have been praying about it he has become gradually more active during the day and less at night which actually answers a string of prayers, in regard to his sleeping habits pre and post delivery, VERY CONCERNING!
          A lot of this stuff is coming up because Ezra is looking to be 3 weeks older than the docs originally anticipated which means 3 weeks EARLY,  the doctors wont change the due date so we are on stand by, and my controlling little mind isn't having it, I feel they should move the date up at least a week in a half so I don't feel so "off"!  I know he will come when he is good and ready I just feel a specific precautionary level of preparedness should be taken.

      In other PREGGO NEWS!!!
Watermelon seems to be the mommy to be choice of cravings these days as I am one of several mommies in the 3rd trimester eating my weight in the stuff! Also Bananas, I eat about 3 - 4 pounds of nanners every 3 days, its quite ridiculous!  Ice cream and other sweets have made their way into my daily intake though the cookies and super sugary stuff has tapered off in the last few weeks, it seems to have been short lived. In the last 5 weeks I gained 7 pounds which isn't bad, seeing that before that I gained only 20lbs through out the first 6.5 months! Ezra is almost 4 pounds and seems to be gaining a steady 1 pound every 2.5 TO 3 weeks and that ratio should be going up in the weeks to come! Also Ez is in the birthing position now, the doctor is hoping he remains there. I sleep on the couch now as our sleeping arrangements just arent working out, I miss my husband next to me but I sleep so much better and so does he. First of all getting out of bed whether it be with or without waking my mate was like a gauntlet or obstacle course, the bed has become too deep for me to get up and down and crawl and roll over, go to the potty, yadda yadda it just wasn't happening, also I snore so hardcore now Mike was swearing I was sucking the paint off the walls. It just wasn't good, so for now Im on the couch and once we get down to the last couple weeks before Ezra gets here I will take the bed as we have a mattress cover on it, Id actually much rather get an air mattress so its easy clean up in the event and I can still get in and out of bed... hmmm theres a nice thought! Luckily I can sleep anywhere, Mike not so much!

I should get to home work people! ha ha, thanks for stopping by...


Thursday, July 14, 2011

Monday, July 11, 2011

Long Silence...

            Sorry for the long Silence everyone and to myself as well as writing is a seriously healthy outlet for me. A lot has happened since May I graduated and fought back tears as my hard work became justified. Ezra is still healthy Kicking the crap outta me 'N' all, I am 3rd trimester now and huger than life, with achy feet, heart burn and random narcoleptic coma like moments. He is huge measuring 3 weeks ahead, I wanna flip everyone the bird as a nice fat "told ya so" but I think Ill wait till he is born 3 weeks early that way its legit!  My mom had some surgeries that I became her nurse for, that was something for the books. I started my summer semester and love my classes though the condensed part of them brings on a lot of work, work either I am behind in or simply haven't E-mailed to my teacher because I am absent minded like that these days. Also once again the school has managed to eff up my financial aid and Im waiting patiently and praying all is well.

            Though the weeks are passing fast they are equally slow, time lapsing the good stuff and savoring the flavor of the BS. I have found it is soooo dang hard to breath at this point in my pregnancy and when I lay down my sinuses swell! So when I am finally sleeping through the night it is at the expense of my husband and perhaps (according to him) the paint on the walls. We have 2 fans in our room one of which a heavy duty box fan, you know we are white noise kinda people, but since I have started snoring we have upped it to a sleep machine, and our white noise apps on our iPhones full blast in conjunction with the two fans and Im still heard through it all! My dreams are still weird as heck and lately have been nightmares. Partly due to my own experiences mixed with those of others, a specific case recently.

           A very sweet Godly Man I went to high school with (and his brother), numerous church outings, we have same mutual circle of friends, he worked with my brother at Guitar Center and of course we are Facebook buddies. Has been handed a very tragic circumstance I can't even begin to fathom. Earlier this week according to what I read and through the grapevine, his full term healthy baby boy was to deliver, his wife went into labor, the babys heart rate dipped too low, emergency Csection, after several minutes of resuscitation the baby came back but no brain activity, he was placed in the NICU with machines and a medicine meant to cool down his little brain and trigger a response, that was June 7th, last night I read he was fighting hard for his life and it looked promising. Mike and I had been praying for them every day. Last night I laid awake for hours holding my tummy bonding with Ezra at his most active point (bed time) and hoping My friends wife didn't go through everything to lose her baby. This morning after my 2.5 hour night nap I woke up feeling sick I got up and stayed up, skimming FaceBook I prayed for good news when I reached my friends site, I didn't find such luck when I arrived. Early this morning their baby died! I sobbed for hours, utterly horrific. I am beyond words for them and now terrified myself. I cant expect that for me or try to put myself in their shoes, I have lost people before I felt it was their time, I have miscarried many times but this I cant even imagine. I told my mom that I trust God and who am I to shake a fist but "really?" I hope they are met with something for having to go through this, there has to be a purpose. I hope I never have to bury my child at any point in my life. My heart ached for the family of my cousins 19 year old friend who recently passed away, and a friend of my moms lost his daughter a few years back she was Lukes age, and my great grandmother, though my uncle was older and a party guy growing up, she buried her son. I don't want to do it its hard enough with miscarriages and older loved ones dying, it stings worse when its any other way.  So my heart goes out to them and I have to keep my mind busy and off of the negative for the sake of my own baby boy and though a sigh of relief will come over me when he is safe at home I know I will be on high alert for him till the day I die. Please keep my friend and his family in your prayers.

             I should really get going I have a huge list of chores, and homework to catch up on, and later today I have a field trip to the Ventura County prison with my class. But I will try to keep up on this I promise, I am so tired I don't know how Im going to do it all!