Mike and I are Jonesin to be reunited under the sheets and I mean seriously for the soul purpose of sleep we just feel so far away from one another last night was the 2nd night in a row we tried it and I GIVE UP! I am too huge and uncomfortable and Mike has to be up in the mornings to work. I hope we can make it work out when Ez gets here. A new finding... my nails are growing exponentially and I can feel it! I swear my hands are almost completely numb from the wrist down but I feel those nails!
Today I called Mike to tell him I love him and he said "oh man for some reason I thought you were going to say your water broke!" this guy is ready for a Son! I know the confusion of the actual due date doesn't help but the end of July compared to the middle of September is one early baby, I think he is subconsciously preparing for Go Time, I mean how much bigger can I get how much further down this stinking rabbit hole are we going here?... Anyone?.... God?... Helloooo?! Ha ha I know things are about to get diabolical on my body, I know for a fact that I haven't seen anything yet, Im not the only woman (girl) who has gone through this so I should suck it up and stop the whimpers!
I AM SO MISERABLE BUT THEN... those quiet moments I have, just me and my boy! I think about the Blanchards and what they have gone through, I think back to my own emotional roller coaster of events that landed me in the terrified to become pregnant state. Yesterday on my way home from the bank I was thinking about something I always used to say... "I refuse to be a product of my situation, I will not have it, I refuse to give power to darkness, and live my life in such a way that it has defeated me" and then something hit me, "I am however a product of Grace and Mercy". I should show it more often because I know it better of myself than anyone else. Life is funny, I know Im a little hay wire right now with emotions, To Do lists, not enough time, and if I could only sleep... but I know more than anything that I need to quiet myself and wait on God, be there for him. I know deep down everything will get finished in the timing that is perfect, but my frustration that seems to be about everything else is actually a lack of renewal. I am so beyond empty and God has been waiting to fill my cup, to give me that rest and peace, no matter how on top of things I am, how clean the house is, how put together I look, I am empty till I make time for him! His Grace is sufficient for me. About a month ago I was at church and it was made known to me again how important my spiritual emotional stability is for the life and well being of my children. Ill post a picture of it
And so I keep coming back to moments like these when the world is loud but God seems silent, if I quiet my heart I can hear him. Also it seems as though Ezra very much likes Mommy and Me time, and I can hardly wait for him to get here so I can look into his little eyes. I have waited years upon years for those moments and Im so close I can taste it! Just like he needs to grow more and develop a tad more so do I we can both function perfectly if the situation were to arise and he was here in an hour but I have a feeling this last month of physical anguish is going to enter in spiritual enlightenment, and Ezra needs that from me as well so I will be as patient as one can be in these times.