Saturday, July 16, 2011

So little time... or is there time?

      Everyone is pushing me to "nest" mainly my husband who might I add has become quite good at keeping those thoughts to himself lately. Recently my Mother has jumped on that band wagon. It very well may be the most annoying, slap you in the face as a knee jerk reaction ever! I am so tired right now, when I muster the time and energy to clean, I cant keep up on it so I have about a week of clean bliss and then it all goes down the tubes! This is all very frustrating to me (VERY), though I am partly responsible for the mess, I cant be entirely responsible for clean up crew, I feel like the guy at the circus walking around behind the elephant holding a heavy bag of poo under his bum! On the flip side I hate listening to Mike clean the house (yes I said listening) as it is a slue of irritated commentary that stresses me out more than the mess! So I resort to being the only one to clean, begging Mike to clean up what he can and to be mindful of what goes where dirty or clean "nicely," and to let me be, I will do it in my own timing! As most of you know I am a huge procrastinator, this feeds the viscous cycle of getting things done in a timely manner even more so. Those of you that know me also know that when I get down to it I don't lag at all and I get huge projects done with such efficiency and fanatical timing that my annoying procrastination streak is a mere "initial downside" fake out! But in the mean time everyone else exacerbates their fear or lack of faith in my ways, it drives me bananas!
        I HATE DISHES... Yet they are always freakin there ALWAYS! This is the First thing on my list of things to do. Second I HATE FOLDING or HANGING UP LAUNDRY... this is also always a problem since it is a felony to walk around naked, I have laundry coming out my ears and when I finally take care of it, I breathe a deep sigh of relief for about a week! Laundry is a huge to do on my list. With the laundry and BS clutter in what is soon to be Ezras room needs to be organized in the closet which is full of more BS to be organized but not till after we take everything out, rip the closet apart and put in a closet maid. I have my washer and dryer in the storage unit which we need to get so Im not lugging months worth of laundry to the launder-o-mat every month, in the place of the washer and dryer in the storage unit goes half the crap in Ezras room... is everyone tracking?.... With the tons of things getting done being contingent upon other things getting done and so the crazy circle continues? Ok so moving on... I have to Paint Ezras room, in fact I have to deep clean and paint the bathroom as well and would love to paint my own bedroom before he comes so I have a place to be that is nice for myself and Mike. I also have to Paint Ezras bookshelf.  Ezras room at least needs to be done and painted Before his baby shower or at least the week of so Im not climbing over Baby nursery crap in my living room to get to other parts of my 600sq ft house for weeks! His baby shower is on the 7th of August, I have school till the 4th of August. LIFE IS CRAZY! Im seriously shaking my head and laughing through tears as I write this! I am UBER stressed out, yet at the same time I know it will all be fine, but those little comments, the freakin peanut gallery (you know who you are) isn't helping me! Seriously people I notice the dirt and finger print smudges on everything, on doors, and floor boards that need to be scrubbed and I know that is the least of my worries but I feel like Im being a bad mother if I don't run myself ragged taking care of it... if this is me "NOT nesting" Im frightened for what will actually take place!
         The things that really STRESS & SCARE me...  in the beginning of this pregnancy I was in shock that I was pregnant and a huge list of eminent haphazard's were live streaming through my mind and pumping through my veins. Through everything we went through God softened me and all the while I was getting tougher and more drawn into his peace. I had hormonal moments of "holy cow" as I watched horrific birthing videos, standing firm on epidurals, hard drugs and short labor. But as I've grown with Ezra my fears have diminished, I guess when you're told you may not have this baby, or he will be developmentally disabled your "oh my gods" become pretty petty in comparison. I have my anxious moments here and there, Ive learned to recognize anxiety for what it is (fear), so I have to ask myself  "what am I fearful of?" I still want an epidural I have the picture perfect delivery in mind but working in the medical field I am aware nothing is planned, not by us anyway. I will do what I have to, to get this child here as safely as possible, if it hurts me, or whatever I will endure because I am first and foremost Ezras rock, I know God is mine and I need to depict that from square one! My stressors are the things I can control but they are influenced by what I cant i.e.: tiredness, aches and pains, school... It stresses me out that I may not be able to have it all done because "who really knows when he is coming".  So obviously not being ready for him housing wise, is a big stress.  The other stress is "what if my water breaks, and I ruin something, especially something expensive, like the couch, carpeting, or my car seat"... I have actually been praying that if my water does break it happens in public! As embarrassing as it might be Id rather have someone else clean up my mess and who better than someone who gets paid to do it, sooo school, target, my porch... any where but my stuff! During my prayers I also have in mind that that maybe a slim chance because Ez is so active at night, but since I have been praying about it he has become gradually more active during the day and less at night which actually answers a string of prayers, in regard to his sleeping habits pre and post delivery, VERY CONCERNING!
          A lot of this stuff is coming up because Ezra is looking to be 3 weeks older than the docs originally anticipated which means 3 weeks EARLY,  the doctors wont change the due date so we are on stand by, and my controlling little mind isn't having it, I feel they should move the date up at least a week in a half so I don't feel so "off"!  I know he will come when he is good and ready I just feel a specific precautionary level of preparedness should be taken.

      In other PREGGO NEWS!!!
Watermelon seems to be the mommy to be choice of cravings these days as I am one of several mommies in the 3rd trimester eating my weight in the stuff! Also Bananas, I eat about 3 - 4 pounds of nanners every 3 days, its quite ridiculous!  Ice cream and other sweets have made their way into my daily intake though the cookies and super sugary stuff has tapered off in the last few weeks, it seems to have been short lived. In the last 5 weeks I gained 7 pounds which isn't bad, seeing that before that I gained only 20lbs through out the first 6.5 months! Ezra is almost 4 pounds and seems to be gaining a steady 1 pound every 2.5 TO 3 weeks and that ratio should be going up in the weeks to come! Also Ez is in the birthing position now, the doctor is hoping he remains there. I sleep on the couch now as our sleeping arrangements just arent working out, I miss my husband next to me but I sleep so much better and so does he. First of all getting out of bed whether it be with or without waking my mate was like a gauntlet or obstacle course, the bed has become too deep for me to get up and down and crawl and roll over, go to the potty, yadda yadda it just wasn't happening, also I snore so hardcore now Mike was swearing I was sucking the paint off the walls. It just wasn't good, so for now Im on the couch and once we get down to the last couple weeks before Ezra gets here I will take the bed as we have a mattress cover on it, Id actually much rather get an air mattress so its easy clean up in the event and I can still get in and out of bed... hmmm theres a nice thought! Luckily I can sleep anywhere, Mike not so much!

I should get to home work people! ha ha, thanks for stopping by...


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