Saturday, May 14, 2011

A new perspective... (FB 4/17/2011)

    Had a good night with Mike last night unleashed all the maternity clothes my mom bought me and my aunt gave me in 07' when I had my first hard miscarriage around 12 weeks. In the box went Ezras belongings to keep them safe and in one place till his room is done. Tons of little boy clothes as I folded them I said "I should probably take the tags of these, they are his and he is going to wear them, leaving the Tags on or keeping receipts is sending the message that we believe he won't be wearing them and I don't want any darkness to use that" Mike said "I agree" so one by one I unfolded and took the tags off his cute little outfits. It was very somber, I felt good doing it... I threw a handful of Ezras clothes to Mike and said "get in on this dad" so he did. I look up and his face is filled with emotion as he fought back tears. 

    It was a good emotional moment for the two of us especially Mike, I forget sometimes how much the miscarriages affected him, he was kinda in the dark and the same is somewhat true for all dads during any pregnancy or loss of an unborn child. The mother feels everything and goes through it though we don't know why, it's more real to us because it's a part of us. And the dad, the bystander waiting for news, communication, the desire to take on some of the burden but really somewhat helpless in the matter, he's the 3rd party... One minute things are fine the next the world is upside down. When pregnancy "sticks" he is somewhat in the same boat making him apart of the ride as much as possible can be difficult on him, he doesn't feel everything and think all the things the moms do. When dad does have a lot of the same thoughts it's usually a while after the mother has already thought and felt it, he's behind a little.

    I'm so glad Mike is as pro active as he is to be a willing and able participant in this pregnancy, I'm glad our new Dr. instead of just talking to Mike as a second body in the room, he actually makes Mike apart of any examination. When measuring Ezra brings Mike to the table to feel him through my belly! Mike talks to Ezra, reads to him, we play music for him, Mike does his best to see to all my cravings. 

    The first 2 months Mike was the sympathy pain master he was sweet and understanding and read books on every emotion I was feeling, every physiological change taking place! It wasn't that way the first few weeks but he quickly caught on and has been such a good dad and husband through it all. We have been brought closer often wondering how couples go through all of this stuff together and forget a couple years down the road they stop appreciating each other to the point of divorce, we've made a point to not forget... I hope it works because this is and has been a lot to go through to not remember! 

   In this long trip to becoming and staying pregnant (7.5 years) Mike and I have learned and gone through so much (thats a whole other note) just in this pregnancy alone there have been countless miracles and beyond chance situations that tell us Ezra is here to stay and we are making it out on the other side. A ton of prayers, sleepless nights, and tears have gone into this pregnancy. I can't wait to meet him and I'm ecstatic Mike is all about being the man and daddy God has called him to be!

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