Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My Cup Over-floweth (Part II)

            MY CUP OVER-FLOWETH: Sometimes I get so frustrated with life and people, I just have to sit and think on how lucky I am to be able to partake in this life of mine. I think about my experiences and my near death situations where God strait up has said "NO... I BREATH LIFE" I think about how far Ive come and I am so excited, excited that I know for a fact that God has chosen my husband specifically for me. He made us to accent and compliment each other in such a way that there is no way we were made to do anything other than serve God serving each other. And Ezra he was chosen to be my boy, God planned for me to be so desperate for him that I would be shaped and molded into the caretaker God sees fit for him. Im getting emotional right now as I type this... I have never once felt forsaken by God, ever in my life, I have had my moments of  finding it difficult putting my full trust in him, where I thought I knew better, but then it always came to me, the purposes in my life. Waiting for Ezra has been probably the toughest, dry, hardcore journey I have ever been on, crying from both anguish and relief when the pregnancy tests said that I wasn't pregnant. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I had become pregnant with Ezra weeks before I tested. Then it become real to me before I missed my period and I tested with Nikki on the phone I dropped to my knees begging God to let me keep it or have it be a false positive... I was beside myself blubbering, hyperventilating, speaking in the spirit. I was down right terrified!
          I didn't start to get excited with Ezra for a long time I have sobbed many days feeling guilty about that and scared because I could feel my heart softening and consuming me with the heart of a mother. I feel Gods breath in his every move and I am scared shitless, I have been through so much and I dont dare doubt God, and fighting that flesh urge hurts so bad and so good. Through the news that I have anti phospholipid syndrome and God prevailed, through the recent news of Ezra having Downs Syndrome I have stood firm. In the words of my mother "I dont give a flying rats ass" what this kid has he is first and foremost MINE. I have been waiting for the results of the amniocentesis. Yesterday my doctors assistant who is seriously the sweetest most sincere girl you'd ever meet, called me and she had a disappointment sound in her voice " the results of the amniocentesis..." my heart dropped to the ground, "hasn't come in yet" I was ready to rip her head off! I said "Girl you cant say stuff with that tone when you know its a heavy matter and you are giving news about something that in all actuality in comparison is a "ehh whatever!" I wanna drive over there and throttle you my heart just dropped," she gave me the "whoopsie" type response. Grrrrr! I feel in my heart Ezra is perfectly and wonderfully whole in the name of Jesus, how ever if my intuition is off it may be because I know I will love him the same. There is great comfort in knowing that I was purposed to raise Ezra regardless of how he is because I know whose he is! Im not really scared of delivery or even of being a mommy, I'm scared I wont be a good mommy, I'm scared that I will display broken human qualities to Ezra instead of the dancing with Jesus, sun shining out your butt happy crap 24/7. Though I want my kid to be realistic I can see on the flip side how parents shelter their children as well. My desire to protect him is overwhelming and it has been from the beginning. I feel like a super hero that is learning how to bridle their powers and it takes forever! Im now scared of bullies, drunk drivers, depression in adolescence, sticks, stones, generational curses, sexual predators, McDonalds, I or his father dying, slutty girlfriends... you name it, though I know he will be fine that protector instinct is driving me crazy and I cant turn it off.
           All that aside I am becoming happier and happier as the days get closer to me holding Ezra in my arms, I cant wait to sing to him, and dance with him and stroke his little face and smell him... it's seriously ridiculous! I am also super happy that I am walking tomorrow it feels more real now than it did receiving my diploma last year now I feel like "wow Ezra's mom is a multiple degree holder!" that makes me feel good. I'm excited now more than ever to reach my next graduation, walking in a cap and gown really is a reward for hard work the symbolism is nuts! Im glad my family will be there to see me through it as well, it has meant a lot to me that I have those closest to me there in these moments, you can never get them back!
          Im glad school is over with the exception of my project which I have to finish tonight, I need to clean the house as my family will be here in the morning. But other than that life is Grand I love my husband to bits and I am so grateful that he works as hard as he does for us, I am so proud of him!
    I really need to get to working on that project so I guess I will chit chat later this week!

1 comment:

  1. Hey girl, God is good and you def. have tons to be thankful for! I know you feel, being scared that your going to be a bad mommy. I can assure you you wont sure its your first you both will learn and grow together, and dont be afraid to call your mom or friends whom have kids (including me) for any advice or questions. Were here for you and love you. THe scared feeling will wash away once you have that precious miracle in yo9ur arms! **HUGS**