Friday, August 12, 2011

MS Archives #15 (5/28/2008)

perrishing hopes.       5/28/2008

Current mood:depressed
    ok everyone around me is either a mommy, just having thier babies or pregnant. yesterday i was checking my yahoo mail and this mommy website i swear i deleted from sending me updates on my unborn child somehow sent a messege to me saying "your baby is 5 weeks old and beginning to coo and explore the world around her." i wanted to sob. i told mike a few months ago to forget about it when it happens it happens, it is so hard to talk to anyone about how i feel on this matter, yes i want to finish school, yes i want a hot body, yes i want all of these things that are so much harder to do when having a child, but i dont care deep down i want one bad. i dont discuss it though, it'll become an obsesion if i do. so then last night we go out to dinner in velencia with the WHOLE fam and my newest cousin jackson was there he is the cutest baby, and he loves mike, seeing mike love on him was ripping my heart out of my chest. like 3 people that mike works with all got their wives pregnant around the same time i got pregnant last year, i was the first to get pregnant. they all had thier babies last month and this month. i sucks theres no other words for it. i guess i am just going through it again it seems at least the mourning part.
    so last night i did a stupid survey on here and there was this question how many people do you trust 100%.... and it sucks... i mean i trust my family but only like 65% i trust my friends depending on which ones about 80-90% and my husband i trust depending on the mood 90-95% and God well i dont know i seem to trust him with specific matters but not everything and that is a problem i know i should i talk about it like trusting him is second nature to breathing. and today i wasnt in my work i was there but i couldnt even tell you what i did today i was so wrapped up with emotion and thought. its wierd how that works. i think i dont trust people because my discernment immediatly tells me how much they trust me and how much they trust themselves, like you know a cheating man will always acuse his wife of cheating, most people project thier ideals onto you so thats all they see is what they want not always the truth. so i cant trust people experience tells me they wanna screw me over or use me, 2. they don't trust me, 3. they dont trust themselves or are consistantly guilty of something they dont forgive themselves of or share openly or honestly with thoughs they want to be trusted by. i dont know so last night i do the stupid survey i'm on edge about the baby thing because it's just sitting in me bottled up and i open up myself and get shot down, later mike and i goto bed we do this daily bread thing where we each pick a card on one side is like a prayer or food for thought and on the opposite side is a bible verse directly relating to the subject matter on the first side. mine was talking about trusting God and how wonderful he is (which he is) but i found my self doubting almost mocking in my head like "ha thats rich" and i was instantly ashamed even though i hadnt spoken a word about it. how did i get to this bitter point? so we go to sleep and i dream and then wake up for hours at a time then dream and then wake up this goes on for ever so much so i wake up with my attitude from last night only worse from my dreams and sleep deprivation. and all day today i am being led by someone or something standing next to me whispering in my ear i'm being tormented i find myself angry with myself and my choices, i feel like a failure and unloved and then it cant possibly be my fault so i start pointing my twisted finger, i find myself enraged with mike before i even leave for work mainly from my dreams which metaphorically speaking arent entirely inaccurate but my emotions are off thier hinges.
    today at work i noticed more than ever that i may not be well liked at all, by everyone. everyone there seems cold and its not the way to be in a church environment, my house is a mess, i feel completly unloved, my academic life is taking its toll. i need a vacation.
    today i will listen to worship music while i tidy the house for like 2 hours, then i will get something to eat and perhaps some flowers for myself and then i have to finish my poster for bio. i need to get out of this rut i'm in, its been a few years but this is deff depression or opression who knows. i need prayer.

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