MS Archives #22 (1/25/2010)

Just to put it out there......  1/25/2010

Current mood:anxious

I am the comfortable secure
The definition of this western world, and
I have perfected deceit
Even I believe, I'm above, saving (yeah)
And I'll never, let you see

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

It takes me falling to the ground
To admit to, fully needing you
Then When I'm breathing my last breath
"Come and save me" I will cry to you
'Cause pride has not, let me say

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

(Oh why does it take so much?)
To bring me to my knees,
(Oh why does it take so much?)
Pain for me to see,
(If strength is only found when)
I am on my knees,
(Why is it so hard)
To show that I am weak? Yeah yeah

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used.

-Barlow Girl

MS Archives #21 (2/11/2009)

aughhhhhh   2/11/2009

Current mood:blah

ya know, im trying very hard these days... very very hard. and its not cutting it, i need prayer. i cant do this alone and yet i feel as though i am. im not challenging God or anything i know he loves me im just consumed with crap right now and its hard to see through it even though i know there is an end. i feel completely played and used, yet i've not been blind sighted by it, i knew it was on its way, its just difficult! i need, sleep, and strength. so anyone reading this if you could please keep me and mike in your prayers....

MS Archives #20 (11/10/2008)

those kinds of people!!!   11/10/2008

Current mood:aggravated

so you know those kinds of people that think they know everything about everything and in their "im spouting and controlling everything i think i know, on everyone around me" and in that mix they start actually showing you how stupid they are and then you as a classy smart person are subjected to a couple controlling idiots until you get up and go home... ummm yeah! that is why even God said "a fool is thought to be wise when he is silent!" yes i am young, yes i am a dork but i am educated and have both common sense and street smarts (who'da thunk?!), oh and cooth to respect others around me that are subjected to it as well, plus i have a voice to stick up for what i believe and not blame on others the dumb choices i made especially not the petty ones! yup triple threat and all the controlling idiots better watch out because one day im not gonna care whose around and what is heard you're gonna get the reality check of your life,,,, bring a dictionary smarty pants, yer gonna need it! and for those of you that know my husband and or are close to him, i married him for a reason and he i, yes he can be an a-hole but im the broad that can handle that (not to be confused with putting up with it) so if mike scares you or intimidates you then maybe instead of talking crap or judging his wife you should think again and be scared of the one who tamed the beast!(with the nice butt) thanx!!!

MS Archives #19 (6/9/2008)

the last few blogs!!!  6/9/2008

Current mood:chipper

ok so the last few blogs i wrote are depressing not all things i nessesarily believe but its out there some people think that way some days are depressing even if you have christ on your side, welcome to human nature. i'm just letting those who dont know me that well, know that i believe and have faith in one thing but i have full understanding of many things and am open to hear what you have to offer. what kind of person would i be if i was always bible thumping, glimmers and smiles and preaching at you???? no, i'm real, so feel free to be real with me! and notice the last blog says WHAT IF.... and the word profecy was used loosley, i feel it is true but i dont want anyone to think i am defaming profecy all together profecy as well means a gift a miracle from God giving us visions,  knowledge or understanding of the future. profecy in the sense that was written in my last blog was a play on words,,,, it was ment as a thinker! enjoy......
thanx every one! much love *muah*

MS Archives #18 (6/5/2008)

what if...the other side to fullfilling prophecies....a play on words......(self fulfilling prophecies via psych/soc)  6/5/2008

Our defenses fulfill the prophecies which fuel our insecurity. The prophecies are a truth of the past, not a prediction of the future.

Defenses, valid tools of survival in the past, work to our own detriment when we have escaped that brutal childhood prison.

In an eternity, the past, the present, the future are all one and the same. For a child of an unhealthy, abusive and dysfunctional family of origin, it is an eternity till that day of freedom. One year might as well be a thousand. To a tortured prisoner, the end to a week on the rack is a lifetime away.

When we have escaped, when we are free, it is hard to remember that the future is not the past. The means which we perfected to navigate such nightmares must be set aside, for they are no longer needed. Once free, they serve only to hurt us.

The war veteran drops to the pavement at the backfire of an old car. His prophesy that he is in danger is not a paranoid prediction of the future, but a terrible truth about his past. That which we do not acknowledge, we repeat. We treat others as if they are past enemies on the battleground of our childhood, because we have not acknowledged and connected emotionally with the horror in regards to the truth of our own past experience.

Those who do not look inward to find empathy with their child self, will forever project outward the horrors of their past on others, and thus the cycle of violence continues.

MS Archives #17 (6/5/2008)

Quote of the day!!!    6/5/2008

"When you yearn for the impossible, it's because other people want you to feel bad for failing to achieve it."

-Stefan Molyneux

MS Archives #16 (6/5/2008)

How to write an academic document!  6/5/2008

Step One: beat head against a brick wall. Appropriate knowledge will be shaken loose and transfer from brain to solid surface.

Step two: Stand back and view the words splattered across the wall in your own blood and brains. Say quietly to self: "Ah yes, actually that was just what I was trying to say."

Step Three: sob quietly in the corner until the pain goes away.

MS Archives #15 (5/28/2008)

perrishing hopes.       5/28/2008

Current mood:depressed

    ok everyone around me is either a mommy, just having thier babies or pregnant. yesterday i was checking my yahoo mail and this mommy website i swear i deleted from sending me updates on my unborn child somehow sent a messege to me saying "your baby is 5 weeks old and beginning to coo and explore the world around her." i wanted to sob. i told mike a few months ago to forget about it when it happens it happens, it is so hard to talk to anyone about how i feel on this matter, yes i want to finish school, yes i want a hot body, yes i want all of these things that are so much harder to do when having a child, but i dont care deep down i want one bad. i dont discuss it though, it'll become an obsesion if i do. so then last night we go out to dinner in velencia with the WHOLE fam and my newest cousin jackson was there he is the cutest baby, and he loves mike, seeing mike love on him was ripping my heart out of my chest. like 3 people that mike works with all got their wives pregnant around the same time i got pregnant last year, i was the first to get pregnant. they all had thier babies last month and this month. i sucks theres no other words for it. i guess i am just going through it again it seems at least the mourning part.
    so last night i did a stupid survey on here and there was this question how many people do you trust 100%.... and it sucks... i mean i trust my family but only like 65% i trust my friends depending on which ones about 80-90% and my husband i trust depending on the mood 90-95% and God well i dont know i seem to trust him with specific matters but not everything and that is a problem i know i should i talk about it like trusting him is second nature to breathing. and today i wasnt in my work i was there but i couldnt even tell you what i did today i was so wrapped up with emotion and thought. its wierd how that works. i think i dont trust people because my discernment immediatly tells me how much they trust me and how much they trust themselves, like you know a cheating man will always acuse his wife of cheating, most people project thier ideals onto you so thats all they see is what they want not always the truth. so i cant trust people 1.my experience tells me they wanna screw me over or use me, 2. they don't trust me, 3. they dont trust themselves or are consistantly guilty of something they dont forgive themselves of or share openly or honestly with thoughs they want to be trusted by. i dont know so last night i do the stupid survey i'm on edge about the baby thing because it's just sitting in me bottled up and i open up myself and get shot down, later mike and i goto bed we do this daily bread thing where we each pick a card on one side is like a prayer or food for thought and on the opposite side is a bible verse directly relating to the subject matter on the first side. mine was talking about trusting God and how wonderful he is (which he is) but i found my self doubting almost mocking in my head like "ha thats rich" and i was instantly ashamed even though i hadnt spoken a word about it. how did i get to this bitter point? so we go to sleep and i dream and then wake up for hours at a time then dream and then wake up this goes on for ever so much so i wake up with my attitude from last night only worse from my dreams and sleep deprivation. and all day today i am being led by someone or something standing next to me whispering in my ear i'm being tormented i find myself angry with myself and my choices, i feel like a failure and unloved and then it cant possibly be my fault so i start pointing my twisted finger, i find myself enraged with mike before i even leave for work mainly from my dreams which metaphorically speaking arent entirely inaccurate but my emotions are off thier hinges.
    today at work i noticed more than ever that i may not be well liked at all, by everyone. everyone there seems cold and its not the way to be in a church environment, my house is a mess, i feel completly unloved, my academic life is taking its toll. i need a vacation.
    today i will listen to worship music while i tidy the house for like 2 hours, then i will get something to eat and perhaps some flowers for myself and then i have to finish my poster for bio. i need to get out of this rut i'm in, its been a few years but this is deff depression or opression who knows. i need prayer.

MS Archives #14 (5/16/2008)

life as i know it summ 08    5/16/2008

Current mood:content

ok so far this year has been ok. this week i may have found mike and i a house $200 cheaper in a nicer area of town closer to his parents (unlike mine who live directly across the street at this moment) and closer to my work, the school drive is about the same!    anywho...
 i have so much homework to do... i have 6 assignments in bio one is extra credit and one is a major project the rest are random acts of perpetual stress, i have 4 papers to type for child developement and a 12 page paper to finish for english and i also have to email My lit teacher a questionare! all this needs to be done by mon/tues, 3 DAYS yikes! hmmmm well no need to stress out i guess! oh yeah and i also have to study for 4 finals! wooo whoo!
  today i started THE MASTER CLEANSE it is a 10 day fast with this organic drink concoction that rids every nook and crany in your body of toxins oh yeah and it makes ya poo like "whaaaaaaaaat!" so yeah it has been fun i actually cheated already and ate a small microwave pizza i figue if i ween myself onto it it'll be better and then count ten days of total fasting so i guess i'll be drinking this stuff for about 12 days. either way it isnt bad at all and i feel great so far. by the end of all this i shoud lose like 20 lbs,,, can i get an amen?! it also rids your body of the toxins that cause learning disabilities so i am hoping to be that much sharper at the end of this journey!
   mike is doing well at his job as am i and we are expecting my financial aid any day now i'm getting a huge amount (all back owed "retro") and then we are getting another check in a month and a half for this upcomming semester, we can hardly wait for our government insentive check as well so it looks as though we are doing superb on the fiscal front----
finally!
   this summer i am taking 11units which is nuts for a condensed courses as summer is,  i am mainly stressing about chemestry my mom talked me into taking it she told me to bite the bullet and get it done and pray i understand it, so everyone be praying for me i'm going to need it. my chem class starts at 7:45am and ends at 5pm i'm thinking im gonna be all chemestried out when summer school is over!
 so i have been waiting almost 2 weeks for an e-bay purchase and when i rolled into my drive way today i noticed the fed-ex truck rounding the corner, i stood in my driveway and waited to see what he was going to do, sure enough he pulled up to my moms house and started to walk to her door, i darted across the street and ambushed him, expaining the situation he alowed me to sign. the heavens parted, angels sang and God said "this too is good" as i ripped the box open while walking my happy butt home, i pulled out the first black satin w/ bity white polka dots peep toe 4" heel... PERFECTLY DELICIOUS...my day was made with that small moment and i can garentee my weekend has been made as well!!!!!!!!!
well i hope everyone is caught up now i need to get to homework! thanx for stoppin by...........

MS Archives #13 (4/20/2008)

Words have power, the power of death or life,,, you choose!

Current mood:blessed

Wills, Must's, Do's!!!

*God does love me and favor me.

*There is a promise on my life and my marriage.

*I will obey God.

*I will support my husband in everything he does.

*I am smart, empowered, inquisitive, creative and beautiful.

*I will do what is right for my mind my body, and my spirit; because if it right for me it is good for my family.

*I will lose weight and get fit.

*I will live in an amazing home.

*My finances WILL improve and I WILL share it with God and thank him for it (little is blessed with much).

*I will have smart, beautiful, obeidiant children, they will respect and love us wholly, fully knowing their parents and fearing God, all generational curses will not exist on my childrens heads, they will have discernment and be well disaplined.

* I will make good choices socially.

* I will forgive my family for my past, daily.

*I will praise my husband daily, both to his faceand when he is not around.

*I will be neater, tidier and cleaner in and with my living conditions, for my husband subconciously measures LOVE by the cleanlieness of his home and living space.

*I must/will pray more.

*I must/will read scripture daily.

* I will be a wonderful wife/lover, friend and future mommy.

*I will go to school, get great grades and graduate an RN.

*We will afford it.

* I will meet my personal physical goals and be satisfied!

*I will have a good job and excell in it.

*I will go in to ministry.

*I must/will sing more.

*I must have fresh flowers in my home weekly, to remind me of how intricate Gods love is.

*I will keep the cat box clean.

*I admire my husband.

*Mike will come to know God in ways he has never imagined.

*Mike will be healed from the inside out, physically, mentally, emotionaly and spiritualy.

*Mike will wholly understand the depth of my love for him and be greteful.

*I admire my husband.

*Mike will understand my fixation with physical attention, intamacy, and adoration. And no longer ridicule me for it.

* I need my heart softer.

*I will stop swearing.

*my lawns will be green...(literally, front and back!)

*The family slander will cease!

*God rocks and people will know that about me and my family before we ever speak!

*I will have a happy "hate-free" marriage.

*Hate, resentment, and anger no longer have a place in my life or marriage. The buck stops here, no more games, our feet are grounded. Divorce has never been nor will ever be an option here.

*Communication will be sincere and nice.

*My future children will never have excusses for anything in life, they will fully know responsability.

*I am a very fortunate and lucky girl.

*I am young and will always be in heart & spirit.

*I will never let the sun go down on my anger, anger breeds hate and hate has no home.

*I am a dreamer my sleep is sacred, it is my time to see God face to face, I claim my sleep for God.

*Thankyou God for my hot hubby!

*I will daily be greteful for my wonderful husband even on days he has permenant stink eye!

*I will be trust worthy.

*The grass is always greener... over the septic tank, "I'd rather water my own thank you!"

*I will get a dirtbike and strive to be aight on it!

THIS WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL I FOUND FROM JANUARY 1ST 2007. MAYBE I SHOULD STICK TO THIS!