Sunday, December 29, 2013

A whole new world...

       I guess the theme for my life in the past year (this literally, just in the last couple seconds came to me) would probably have to be Aladdin's carpet ride. Unbelievable, eye opening, and perhaps a little scary to the narrow conditioned perspective.

          Quick little preview on life, which I will go more into on another blog of course (I can never really be simple, but organized?! Abso-effing-lutely!)
     So Ezra is 27months! For the non-parents counting like a normal person, that is 2years and 3months old! He speaks roughly 100 or so words and about 20-30 legit phrases like "what are you doing?" And "ah uh momma, I don't think so." He is a barrel of laughs and I totally understand how my mother couldn't always beat me senseless with out laughing at my shenanigans! The child is the size of a 4 year old. Tall and lanky with his narrow hips, bubble butt, broad shoulders, and melon that wears a 14year old sized bike helmet! I don't know if research suggests the size of the brain indicating smarts because us humans don't even use most of our brain power or space, but he has a big head. He is either going to make a very smart man or he will be in a higher percentile for unused brain! Luckily so far he is proving smarter than his own good, it is both startling and a relief! 

Ezra kisses and says "I love you"! There are a lot of things that have been going on behind the scenes in my life and they have been private enough that Ezra has been, (well "seemingly" has been) unaffected. We show this child love as much as possible, there is no shortage and I love it! 

Mike finally got a job! After 2 years he found a good one, not just any he loves and thrives in! This will come in handy for his future, I am grateful and happy for this.

I finally got a Job! After a year of unemployment, hair doing, and hustling my ass off... I have a freaking job! Aaaannd so far with the plans they seem to have for me, I approve! Actually right now I am at work and I can't sleep it is 4am as I listen to my patient (who I turned at 3:30) snore! 

    I have so much on my mind I had to make a list which then broke off into micro-lists. Usually I would call it an outline you know the typical...

I. Blah blah blah
   A. Yadda yadda
         1.oh yeah
         2.your mom
         3.the horse you rode in on
   B. Yackitty shmackitty....
II . You get the point!

So yes, I'm not sure how many individuals do this... In fact I don't think I want to know. I am very OCD being completely alone in my illness may suck! Ha ha! 
Anyway that's how I roll, so my brain has micro-lists which are like check box scenario's mixed with that outline ^ on steroids. And here I am blogging! 

My life as I know it is unrecognizable when I read my blogs from over a year ago. I must come clean. When I wrote some things, I did so for the sake of saving face and perhaps my marriage, I made a point to put my best foot forward. That is not to say that I lied, because I didn't. I will say that, I said things even though I did not feel them at that moment. I continued to be positive when I had things to say that weren't the nicest. Forgive me if that depicted me possibly having my shit together. I guess for then I did the best with what I had, that was the option I chose and I am "ok" with that. I guess I wasn't claiming that I had it together but I didn't want to complain either.

So March of 2012 I wrote a blog about who I am and removing the toxicity from my life, those days started a trend for me and now I have become this person that I was suppressing. Myself. 

I have surrounded myself with love and positivity. It has led me down roads I honestly never thought I'd be on. I have chosen battles wisely, and walked away from things and relationships that have and will continue into my immediate future, to bring me ridicule. This, I am also "ok" with. Things may happen tomorrow (if there is a tomorrow) as a result of the choices I made in the here and now. And I am prepared for all of them... Good, bad... Life lessons actually.

This new world of mine, my perspective. I don't worry anymore. I don't doubt God. I refuse to live in the past... There may be reflections, references, and fond memories but it isn't a place I dwell. Feelings about then stay there. I also work hard to stay out of the future, this one is especially complex for me because I am a planner. I've reached a happy medium. Preparation for the future as long as it is somewhat generalized is fine, school, prayer, meditations, hopes are all things that are healthy and maintain "calm". I have found that what you sow today will set you up for tomorrow, if you want a brighter future, open the freaking curtains today! One day at a time one step at a time, completely open, totally transparent, and 100% loving. For the believers out there God can do so much more with a soft mound of clay than a piece that has been blindly sculpted and kept in the wrong atmosphere. Step outside the Box, also take God out of the box, take your relationships out of the box. Be willing and pliable. Expect nothing. And expect everything all at once. This is hard to grasp for some... When I say expect nothing, I mean don't put up parameters, outlines on everything (this used to be difficult for me, Ms.OCD) we can't know everything, I think maybe that is part of being Free! I don't paint a picture of my future with a white picket fence, 4.2 children, and the perfect man. When I think of my relationships I don't say "this is how you SHOULD act"! 
When I say expect everything I mean the sky is the limit, be open to Grace, understanding, love, and blessings. I guess expectation and expecting can be two different things. One is defined specific and most of the time unrealistic or unfair, we can only have expectation drawn on our standards. But expecting the unknown being teachable and open. That is a beautiful thing. 

I've been saying a lot lately "don't close doors and don't build boxes."

Living in the Now and just Being. Have become fundamental to my happiness. I understand God better, the world makes more sense, life is clear. I feel as though I am very close to Maslows "self actualization" if I am not already there. I do know I have some things to work on but yes, it is all maintenance and alignment from here, moving forward. This last year has been really good, Interesting but good! I look forward to next year, though tomorrow isn't promised there are some goals essential to my alignment and right path pursuits. I foresee renewal, hope, raw emotions, and a lot of work.  

Ok so I plan to keep up on this thing. So till next time! 

~ Mandi

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