MS Archives #11 (2/12/2008)

my reward for patience!     2/12/2008

Current mood:breezy

ok so yesterday i got in the truck to drive to work and realized "crap i am bending the needle past E" i prayed to at least get to work and i figured i'd deal with getting home when it was time to go home! i pull into the preschool parking lot and i said "ok God i am not going to worry all day about how i am getting home, you are in control of my life even the gas in my car" i went to work. when i came out i got in the car and said "please let me at least get home now" i turned the key and the needle jumped up to an 8th of a tank! WOW! i was like holy cow! as i was driving home i was thanking God for this small glimmer of my security in him, i felt at peace about everything in my life. i have stopped worrying about being a mommy, and where money is comming from, how our rent is going to be paid, whats for dinner, is mike going to be sweet to me tonight, am i going to get enough sleep... all these things ive fully given to God! mike has been in good moods despite being sick, food is literally falling in our laps, i'm at peace with Gods timing in concordance with my biological clock, we paid rent on time and i am confident we will this month we have gas in our cars and the house isn't too crazy messy! i was able to crash all my classes and i know i will pass them all with B+ or better and i have mever been so well rested! God is good and i am so gretefull that i can see the good in the bad and i have a husband that may not always agree with me but he understands always and loves me always! i am the luckiest girl in the world!

MS Archives #10 (1/22/2008)

am i the only one!!!    1/22/2008

Current mood:angsty

Am i the only one striving in every aspect of my life, am i the only one that doesn't flip out at the drop of a hat, am i the only one loveing and hoping and praying with out ceasing? i think so, i guess this is what it is to have patience in suffering! tobe so drained emotionally and spiritually tattered and physically incapable yet knowing the truth in the face of hate and anger haveing things being thrown at me in every direction and still keeping calm and sitting patiently for the answer i already know! i think my fave part of life (not really) is random uneccessary BS! i feel like we have a real bond! i honestly dont ever remember saying "bring it on" yet it has been brought! and i still figure it all out. i just want like 3 hours to just think and be completely alone with myself and God... i shouldnt have to make time for these things they should just be there, i try and make time for so much and all falls short and time is wasted if only i could prioritize better, or something! i wish i could suggest things into peoples heads to help motivate them and realize things! but i am not God! this is rambling and i understand it doesnt make sense but i need this, right here right now in this moment! no one will quite get this, nor will they be able to put any one situation or one person or thing to these emotions, they just are! no one is responsable it is my brain in a knot and i am sorting it! most of it has to do with me! i need clarity and a switchto turn on and off to ignore the crazy world around me! i think i am bored and turned off, time to goto the next level in my life. i'm hopeing this lovey transition is soon (all purely spiritual for all you narcasists out there) anywho i see so much in my head visions and dreams and all these endless possibilities and awsome oppertunities and i am having  a hard time just picking and knowing i am secure!   Hhhmmmm?! well who knows! at this point to reach what i need, i need support in areas that arent available to me, the rest is up to God i guess!

MS Archives #9 (12/28/2007)

And a Happy New Year!     12/28/2007

Current mood:chill

I can hardly wait to see what is in store for me this new year! Ive noticed lately that the old scripture out of the mouth the heart speaks is so true. Many times I have heard that God is just waiting for you to open your mouth or heart should I say and confess thoughs things to him you desire. How can he give you gifts you dont ask for!? Ive found that even in passing, when talking to others about my hopes, dreams and deepest desires God hears them even though I hadn't taken the time to bow my head and get him involved! Its like he's eves-dropping on me and then I'm surpised at the impact my conversation with another has had on my life! My deepest desires, the hopes God has placed on my heart are becomming the heaviest weight for me because I feel like what started out as a seed inside me has developed into this gigantic tree with a grip load of fruit and I have waited year after year to harvest it or something and now all these things are starting to come to pass all these opportunities comming my way!  I'm not going to sit here and let someone else jump all over them! A week ago I was speaking to an old friend someone I held and still hold in the highest esteem and who I saw as a huge impact on my life and a mentor to my spirituality. I was speaking to him about the drama and crap in my life and how I have come so far from it I dont even notice it is there. My eyes are fixed and my priorities in place, I was telling him how I still want to be a youth pastor and my desires are so deep they hurt, I was spilling myself to him as I did when I was a teenager (which kinda sux for him I am sure) but in the things I was saying, my convictions were taking a tighter hold! I got off the phone with him and sobbed, the emotions that welled up inside me were outta control I hate feeling like I am missing something like I am not fullfilling my purpose, yet Gods timing is perfect. later that day my phone rang and it was my father, he was telling me how bad it is at his church since the split, he confided in me that worship has been horible and the worship leader now is also leaving, he told me there is no youth director and no childrens ministries, he is going back on staff as the missions pastor and he wanted mike and I to come visit his church and if we like the pastors vision maybe we can get plugged in and then he said it's time for revival and a new vision someone with fresh views and isnt afraid to say it like it is, he told me he wanted to see me leading worship and bring a deep heart of compassion and leadership to the youth! I was blown away! Coincidence I think not! I was also recently slamming my dads church and my feelings are mixed, but I find myself salivating at the oppertunity! I haven't even discussed my feeling and heart fully with my husband yet since all this has taken place, I dont want to drag him down a road he is unsure of at this point, he too feels called to the ministry but is unsure of exactly where! I sincerly hope all works out and I'm positive God knows whats right for me so this year may be a crazy one but I am so looking forward to a new chapter!
  On a lighter note when am I going to be a mommy? I have a feeling this will be a good year for that!
  Mike is looking for a better job and it is looking like it isnt far off in the distance. The more I strive to become the woman I am called to be to more things fall in place for me and my little family!

MS Archives #8 (12/13/2007)

finally getting what you were patient for....    12/13/2007

Current mood:accomplished

So here i am no longer jobless,,, i am now a pre-school teacher, i rarely swear, and life is just good all around! i always tell my husband to have patience even when i myself think "what the hell is going on" so we did and now everything is falling into place, the stress that has been lifted from my shoulders is amazing. i am still looking for more part-time work and will be going to school but the fact that i have a job as of now works for me and mike, i'm not dragging my family down anymore and it feels great! oh and for christmas mike and i got tickets from his parent to the supercross open anehime 1! totally stoked!!! all i have to do now is keep the house up and lose wieght and we are good to go!                       *mandi*

MS Archives #7 (11/28/2007)

after Gods heart!        11/28/2007

Current mood:indescribable

 i like this color scheme, its light and airy to help balence the depths and the weight of the subject matter of this blog!    so here i am broken not as i was before but in many other ways, broken from my grandmothers death, broken for my papa, broken in my marriage, broken in my mind and who i have created myself to be for the past few years i'm putting a stop to light hearted walk all over me mandi i'm putting a stop to having a blind eye and deaf ear to what God has in store for me, i'm done not stepping on toes because anyone who really knows me knows i never really ever held back till recently, God created me a spacific way, i don't need to change it only he will and inhance who i am as my love and devotion to him grows deeper.  God created me to speak of him with my life and my heart and when i open my mouth instead of crusading for my paycheck, or what my husband isn't doing, or how upset i am with my family i can put that conviction to good use with out the word fuck and shit and all that bad stuff because people admire me and listen to me as it is i dont need to cheapen it. when i do open my mouth God can go back to using it. this is me putting my foot down, this is me turning in haste and fleeing my icky life and running back into my fathers arms. i am the prodecle all over again. my eyes are open my Gifts restored i feel like i was looking at a old progection bigscreen (bigscreens are cool right?), well so were my gifts, but now i am looking at a flat screen 1080i with full HD my gifts have morphed into a preception with clarity that knows no ends. no static on this line, i'm back to being right with God, all else will fall in place.

MS Archives #6 (10/20/2007)

A friends thoughts on love, and my 2cents!     10/20/2007

Current mood:okay

ok, so a friend of mine i grew up with (literally he was like my big brother) wrote this i think its funny, this is the stuff i was always taught and i agree with fully. i didn't feel much like typing but i wanted to prove to some people that i and my husband (i hope)and a couple people in this world do believe in real love. i have some friends and perhaps myself every now and then get caught up on the worlds standards of love and marriage and it isn't right. this stuff is exactly how i feel and its crazy theres more than just a hand full of us that feel this way.

"Get comfortable.  Get something to drink maybe something to munch; perhaps even go to the bathroom...this is gonna take awhile.

As requested, these are my thoughts on love.

I said before that I have spent a lot of time exploring my feelings lately for these classes.  For some reason love and relationships are at the top of my list.  Many of you have asked me for my conclusions; so, here we go.

Nice guys don't finish last.  To say that they finish last implies that they were allowed in the race to begin with.  THEY WEREN'T!  Nice guys are expected to stand on the sidelines so the girls have someone to talk to while they wait for the best of the bad guys to cross the finish line first.

I hate feet.  What would I do if the love of my life asked me to rub her feet?  Love is about sacrifice.

For a long time I stopped believing in love.  I love God, my family, baseball; but romantic love, doesn't exist.  I thought it was lust with a little emotion spinkled in, but just as fleeting.  Since love isn't real we are supposed to marry whomever annoys us the least.

Love takes a lot of work.  It's easy to love someone with a perfect body or a gorgeous smile.  Love is about imperfection.  No one is perfect, so love is really about their imperfections.  Loving them even though they snore, root for the Padres, or listen to Hillary Duff.

You can't bring two imperfect people together and expect a perfect union.  If anything, you have TWICE the imperfection.  Both people have to work together, a 50/50 relationship is a failing one.  Both have to give 100%.  That's what love is all about, not whomever annoys you the least but the one who is worth it.  The one that is worth the struggles and the challenges.  That's the one you marry. 

Some day I'm going to meet the love of my life and I will have my happily ever after.  She will be worth all of the effort I put into our relationship and I will be worth it to her. 

And yes...I will rub her feet." -JD

even i sacrafice when i don't want to because my husband is more important to me, so i guess we should ask ourselves is this what we are striving for in our lives, relationships, marriages? because if we aren't trust me you should!

MS Archives #5 (10/11/2007)

WARNING THIS POST IS VERY CRASS AND CRUDE (ONE OF MY MANY SIDES)
everything ive wanted!     10/11/2007

Current mood:crazy

first of all i'd like to start off by saying this color scheme is very in'n' outish it is def making me want animal fries right now as i write this meaningless jargen!            

anywho so back to the initial thought that brought me to blogger land!        

so yes i am no longer with rent-a-sucker and the first time i left it was everything i hoped and dreamed it could be, and now on my 2nd time being with out that place it is everything i knew it would be, no stress all that bs gone which is why it was so hard to go back in the first place and conform to thier shinanigans and mindless blowjobs of approval (so to speak...deff a metaphore people,  i would never... ah hem) anyway so beside the typical worries and mikes conserns i love it i get time to myself to think and all that good crap, and i can't wait to start over and be the F.N.G. again and not know crap about the people or company i work for, i get to start from the bottom, work on hating it (if you will) instead of wanting to go postal right off the bat everyday!!! i am so lucky. really guys this is wonderful,,, oh and f*ck-a-renter will get thiers trust  me so i'm deff no trippen. so just so everyone knows i am as happy as one can be.                                          

 Mike and i are also gonna start trying for another baby so i can really be a mommy,,,, yippie skippy! okee dokee im super tired so i'm out, love you all, and thankyou everyone for your consern, support and prayers for mike and i in our rough time, we aren't in the clear yet but we are on the right track!  

*MANDI*